I have signed up for a luxe Northern Europe voyage, a towering 2100 passenger, two-sittings at dinner, four cabaret/theatre-shows a night liner.
The ship itself is a wonder of the modern world -a state -of-the-art city at sea that sails along slowly enough for relaxed leisure, and fast enough for you to linger longer in each port of call. Stretching on an average of 850ft and weighing a little over 90,000 tonnes, these liners are virtually luxury hotels-on-sea with miles of international decor, acres of carpets, air-conditioning and awesome mountains of grub.

The ship has an assortment of cabins and staterooms, and there is an entire regiment of staff to look after you. And what looking after! These are not mere mortals, they are supermen and superwomen born with the ability to anticipate your every wish, and make it come true, even before you know you want it. Thus, they know when breakfast should be served in a hushed whisper; when a lightly scrambled egg and some fresh orange juice is all you can face: when you’ve bounced back sufficiently for a pre-lunch daiquiri, or when you’re in the mood to party and it’s going to be champagne and caviar in the Jacuzzi at 2 am. Again.

With onboard PR like this, who needs the sales patter? You get it anyway. Want to be pampered and made to feel like celebrities, order in room service, and eat great food, that too, at no extra costs. Want to party all week, visit lots of different places instead of just one and then have an aromatherapy massage the next day to soothe your aching head? Easy. Some people who are veteran cruise-goers don’t even bother to get off the ship in port, they tell you – there is so much to do on board! I can’t wait for the fast approaching sail date! Think I deserve it.